Grand Theft Diary
by secretoftetra
Summary: What happens when James 'borrows' Lily's diary? Hilarity ensues! Come along and read the notes passed between the Marauders during class! Chapter 2 up soon! R


R- James, what's that you've got there?

J- This? Why this my friends is something that will help me to understand the female mind! One female mind in particular!

R- Please tell me that isn't Lily's journal.

J- Nonsense! It's her diary!

R-::sigh::

S- The boy has lost his mind.

J- Sirius! Butt out! This is me and Remus' note.

S- But I'm bored! And Stacy Miraca won't even talk to me!

J- Well, maybe if you hadn't ditched her last Hogsmeade weekend to shag Marla Cottsworth in the bushes outside the Shrieking Shack...

S- Good point.

R- Can we not change the subject? Why on earth would you steal Lily's diary?!

J- First of all, steal is a harsh word..

S- It's more like Grand Theft Diary or something.

J- I just borrowed it! I fully plan on returning it! I just need to read a few pages here and there so I can delve deeper into the beautiful mind of one, Lily Evans.

R- And why would you need to do that?

S- Oh, Remus do we even need to ask anymore these days?

J- Because I love her!

R- ::sigh::

J- And what's wrong with that, Remus? Not jealous are you::wink::

R- Please.

J- Well then, what's the problem?!

S- I think what Remus is trying to say is that you're a bloody idiot!

J- HEY!

S- You took her diary?! Are you out of your mind?! You better make sure she doesn't see you with that thing or she'll kill you.

J- And since when are you such a love expert?

S- Well, for starters, Marla Cottsworth..

J- Oh, please. She's just after your chicken mcnuggets.

S- Well, they are all white meat.

R- You two disgust me.

J- Oh Remy, don't be mad! Look, I'll show you an excerpt from her diary!

R- Don't bring that thing near me!

J- What's the problem? Lily's in Herbology right now, she'll never know!

S- You memorized her schedule. Why does that not surprise me?

J- Look, Remus. This is about you.

_November 14th_

_Remus is probably the only student in our grade smarter than me. Why he hangs out with Potter and Black, I'll never know. He scored five percent higher than me on our last D.A.D.A. test. But I know that's only because he cheated on the last question when Professor Dippet wasn't looking. He used his wand to figure out what color a perfect Shield Charm is. I could not believe it._

S & J- GASP!

S- We have a cheater in our midst!

R- Oh come off it. Like you two didn't cheat off me the whole test anyway.

J- Tsk tsk. And there you are chastising me for borrowing a mere diary, while you yourself have committed far worse treachery!

R- Treachery? It was one question. I didn't want to ruin my average.

J- An average full of lies!

R- You keep your mouth shut. If I hear either one of you mention this-

S- Now, now, now, why in the world would you think we would do a thing like that?

R- Because you're Sirius and James.

S- Alas, two good looking lads! Or at least one..

J- Me of course!

S- Don't kid yourself there James.

J- Shut it you. And what does she mean by that, why Remus hangs out with us? Well, why wouldn't you Remus?!

R- Do you really want me to start into this?

S- Maybe she's just not into golden fried chicken mcnuggets! Maybe she likes tender crisp chicken tenders!

J- You know, I always did think she was a whopper woman.

R- What does that even mean?

J- How should I know? Now tell me Remus, what she meant by that!

R- ::sigh:: Do I have to explain everything?

S & J- Yes!

R- She means that I am simply too smart and sophisticated for two young pieces of fried poultry like yourself!

J- Oh no she didn't!

S- Oh yes she did! Gosh James, how can you fall for someone so blind? She fails to see my wit, charm and brilliance!

R- As do I.

S- Well then you have something in common. Why don't you two date? I mean she writes about you in her diary...

J- Hey! Let's not talk crazy here. If anyone's going out with her it's me.

S- A likely chance..

J- Hey! And besides, she didn't just write about Remus in here...there's stuff about you as well!

S- ::rips book out of his hands:: Show it to me!

J- Hidden crush much?

S- Shutup! Just show it to me.

J- Ah well here's a nice footnote.

_September 2nd_

_First Transfiguration lesson of the school year was a nightmare. Spent half the time trying to turn a pumpkin into a watermelon. No luck. Other half was spent being sexually harrassed by Sirius Black. I swear those Marauders are going to gang bang me one of these days._

R- My my, look who is in trouble now.

J- SEXUALLY HARRASSED? SEXUALLY HARRASSED?!?!

S- Uhh, look mate...

J- You better have a real good fucking excuse for me not to turn you into dragon dung.

S- First of all dragon dung smells like shit (obviously) so I don't think you would want that hanging around. Second of all, all I did was make a comment.

J- Oh yeah?

S- It was a compliment.

J- And just what kind of compliment was this?

R- Do you really want to know, James? Knowing Sirius...

J- What the hell did you say to her?!

S- No need to pull your wand out, please.

J- WHAT'D YOU SAY?!

S- Okay, okay. I told her, "Look Evans, although you may not be succeeding at transfiguring your pumpkin right now, it looks as though the ones on your chest have sprouted nicely over the summer. Did you put an Enlargement Charm on them or did the beauties do that themselves?"

J- ...

S- And she flipped out! She threatened to go to McGonagall. The nerve.

J- ...

S- You know, McGonagall's got nice pumpkins herself. I mean, for a woman of her age that is.

J- ...

S- James?

R- I think he's in shock.

S- James?

J- Excuse me while I go get a large rod to shove up your-

S- James! Come on, it was just a compliment. It's not like I'm in love with her or anything.

J- You better not be! Because that's my job!

S- And you do it so well. The patheticness of it all oozes off of you.

J- You know Sirius, you better watch your back. Or I might just have to go around letting people know you have the hots for ol' Minnie over there.

S- You wouldn't.

R- He would.

J- I would.

S- Fine then. Do it and I'll step my game up a notch and take Lily right out of your wet dreams and into the palm of my hands.

J- Please. She would never go for a dog like you.

S- Oh really? Well just you watch. Spread that rumour and then you'll see who's laughing.

J- Bring it pumpkin boy.


End file.
